The Braai

Its seems as if the braai fires have been lit for summer. Barely a day will pass without an invite to one of our countries finest traditions, but with anything that we hold dear, there are rules, largely unwritten ones, until now....

1. If it does not involve glowing embers, its not a braai, its a BBQ, take your poncy, twist of a lever controlled flame and fuck off. We live in a country where you are allowed to make fires, take advantage, its what makes the food taste different to the aussies and the yanks anyway. (ever tried cleaning a gas BBQ? holy crap!)

2. To satisfy mens food requirements, we require equal carbohydrates (beer) and protein (meat) anything else is purely for decoration. Ladies, please beer (whoops, bare) this in mind when sending us off to the shops to get supplies for a braai. Expect a look of confusion when on our return, you ask us where the salad, veggies are, on second thought, what are you doing sending us to the shops anyway? If we are snackish before the first piece of lava temperature sausage is being eaten, we will entertain chips (carbohydrates) and biltong (protein).

3. Braais that 'start' at 8 mean eating at 10. This rule can be applied to any start time, this allows a solid 2 hours of beer drinking-bonding time that is vital to the success of the event.

4. The BRAAI-MASTER. Ok, tricky one this, the host of the braai is ALWAYS the braai master, however there are only a few exceptions:
a) If amongst the guests there is one of those rare individuals  whose meat tanning skills have become that of legend, he will be shown the due respect and allowed to wield the tongs. (these talented individuals are easily recognizable by there back seat braai remarks and their speed at picking up the tongs when the host has put them down for a millisecond to go to the toilet. They will have the entire meat layout rearranged by using geometry theorems, have calculated exact cooking times of boerewors, chicken, chops and steak so that all meat will be ready at exactly the same time)
b) If the number of guests require more than one braai to be active at once, an additional braai-master can be appointed by the host, but beware, it will be remembered as the hosts braai and rumours of rubbery steak and raw chicken will haunt you forever so choose wisely. (your best friend who has been known to burn coffee is not ideal)

5. One is never allowed to arrive at a braai with whole chicken pieces (skin on, boned) they will upset the braai master considerably. Chops, boerewors, pre marinated chicken kebabs or chicken fillets, steak, ribs are all all fool proof options. I believe there is a law against whole chicken pieces that are bought to a braai in a frozen state, punishable by a double shot of warm black sambucca.

6. Vegetarians. You arrive at a braai with your tie-dyed tshirt and toe rings, proudly whip out your veggie burgers or sausage or whatnot. Shamelessly approach the braai-master and ask him if its not too much trouble to cook these before the meat. ARE YOU FOR REAL??!! Yes its too much trouble to cook your msg flavoured cardboard before actual food, does the fact that I've braaied more cows than Shaka, king of the zulus owned,on that braai already not seem a bit contradictory to you? Why don't you just snack on the cardboard box that grey, tofu piece of shit came in, it'll probably taste better.

7.In my wife's perfect but totally unrealistic world, everyone eats together, at a big table, with cutlery. In reality, I've just finished braaiing every animal in 'Old McDonald' and drunk 7 beers, taste tested everything, fed all my friends the 15 varieties of boerewors I've discovered. If we didn't have guests (or my mom in law) over, id probably have killed that T-bone straight of the grill with my fingers and teeth. No I don't want any fucking cous-cous.

8. Braaiing is the ultimate in male decadence, it involves large amounts of eating, drinking, talking complete crap with your mates, it also is a totally legitimate excuse for neglecting every other duty imaginable. "Sorry baby, cant watch the kids, I'm braaiing" (present) "Clean up? but i braaiied. (past tense)  "I'm just chilling out sweetheart, got to braai later. (future)

So crack a cold one, light the blitz and get braaiing.