Please note: This refers to road cycling only. Mountain biking, BMXing (hell, even unicycling) is completely acceptable.
I am overcome daily with the desire to apply the laws of physics (speed, mass, velocity) whilst driving. If you are going to dress up in MATCHING, tight pink lycra, shave your legs and head out onto areas of our planet designed, built and clearly suitable for motor going vehicles, you are asking for trouble.
Now, don't get me wrong, I'm all for regular exercise, i even get the concept that these clowns feel some sense of belonging in their branded little outfits, BUT.....cycling in a group of 4 or more with "TEAM BOB'S ELECTRICAL" does not give you pricks the right to ride next to each other, EVER!
Patting each others asses as you overtake? Are you serious? The rage that wells up inside of me when i witness grown men(women) perform this bizarre ritual, deep breath, count to 10, keep hands on steering wheel......
Of course, no article could be written about cyclists without drawing attention to something so spectacularly mind boggling that i expect to see it featured on Stephen Hawkings universe on discovery TV: Talking, and sometimes even texting!!!! on your cellphone, whilst cycling on busy roads (once again, surrounded by 2000kg engine powered vehicles). It makes you wonder that possibly, the asshole is thinking ahead, texting his wife perhaps: "hi honey, see you at medi-clinic in 30 min, about to be side-swiped by a 16 wheeler mac truck, lol...)
Having donated $5 to the Lance Armstrong foundation does not automatically grant you superpowers and no, spending enough money to feed a small country for a week on a bike, will not make you cycle like him either (blogs about Lance and what a complete prick he is, to follow).
"Fun riders" identifiable by their unshaven legs, underpants underneath their cycling shorts (comparable to the fashion fuax par of the visible panty line or VPL) and mountain bikes WITH off road tyres are considered fair game when driving, i liken them to Darwins theory of evolution or survival of the fittest, easier to catch....
You fuckers get the use of the road for ONE day of the year in March, other than that, you're a menace, hanging out at the Sandbar does not look cool after a ride. Now, where is my razor.......
Friday, December 10, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
south african travel packages
This may or may not have appeared in the travel section of a UK newspaper a few weeks ago.
HOLIDAY IN SUNNY SOUTH AFRICA!
Need a break? Longing for a cultural experience? Bored with your life/wife? Need some extra cash?
For a limited time only, ghetto safaris is offering an all in one travel solution, our package includes:
* Transfers to and from all major airports (subject to availabilty of police vehicles)
* Guided tour of an authentic South African shanty town
* Convenient seperation of your newly life-insured spouse
* Free and readily available media hounds
* Fast and efficient return flights to the UK
* Even faster return, return flights back to South Africa
* Unlimited access to the countries top defense lawyers
* South Africa's crime riddled statistics to ensure a water tight and beliveable alibi
TERMS AND CONDITIONS APPLY
PAYMENT TO GHETTO TOURS ONLY DUE ON SPOUSE'S LIFE INSURANCE PAYOUT
DAMAGE TO SOUTH AFRICAN TOURISM NOT FOR CLIENTS ACCOUNT
PACKAGE MAY OR MAY NOT INCLUDE A STAY (TIME TO BE DETERMINED) IN ONE OF SOUTH AFRICAS FANTASTIC CORRECTIONAL FACILITIES (ALL MEALS INCLUDED)
HOLIDAY IN SUNNY SOUTH AFRICA!
Need a break? Longing for a cultural experience? Bored with your life/wife? Need some extra cash?
For a limited time only, ghetto safaris is offering an all in one travel solution, our package includes:
* Transfers to and from all major airports (subject to availabilty of police vehicles)
* Guided tour of an authentic South African shanty town
* Convenient seperation of your newly life-insured spouse
* Free and readily available media hounds
* Fast and efficient return flights to the UK
* Even faster return, return flights back to South Africa
* Unlimited access to the countries top defense lawyers
* South Africa's crime riddled statistics to ensure a water tight and beliveable alibi
TERMS AND CONDITIONS APPLY
PAYMENT TO GHETTO TOURS ONLY DUE ON SPOUSE'S LIFE INSURANCE PAYOUT
DAMAGE TO SOUTH AFRICAN TOURISM NOT FOR CLIENTS ACCOUNT
PACKAGE MAY OR MAY NOT INCLUDE A STAY (TIME TO BE DETERMINED) IN ONE OF SOUTH AFRICAS FANTASTIC CORRECTIONAL FACILITIES (ALL MEALS INCLUDED)
national radio
i spend a lot of time in my car. this equates to a lot of time spent listening to the radio (normally turned up to a ridiculously high volume to drown out the sounds of my kids' incessant whinging (blogs on children and why you should never, ever have them, to follow))
now, you would think that, as a pretty much hip, happening youthful country, we would have some kind of semi decent national or even provincial radio station. please note "semi decent". i am not asking for the impossible, just a half dozen DJ's that have the following criteria:
1. the ability to read text, notes etc without it blatantly clear that they are reading off a page. you're on radio you doos, no one can see you, would it kill you to actually prepare for your show before the time?
2. the ability to actually mix it up when it comes to music selection, once again, I'm not asking for these guys/girls to actually mix one song into the next like a real DJ (god forbid) I'm just asking to please, PLEASE, throw in a couple of surprises, with 50 years worth of digital music a click of the mouse away, why do we have to hear the same 20 songs played to death! before i have a bunch of idiotic replies regarding playlists, show producer etc calling the shots, give me a break. they do ratings checks on radio stations and DJ's all the time, if i hear elana afrika play anything by led zepelin, pink floyd or pearl jam i might just start removing the knitting needles out of my elana afrika hair doll (ok, that's never gonna happen).
3. less talk, more talk talk. less jabber, more abba. great marketing by kfm some time back, only problem.....kfm sucks sweaty donkeys balls, and when their DJ's do talk (the morning show) i secretly pray that surgical scalpels magically appear from my speakers and slice my ears clean off.
5fm, you are the most current, national radio station, your DJ's are by far, the worst. i think Gareth Cliff and his team are quite brilliant, the problem begins at 9am, Sasha Martinengo, its bad enough you enjoy formula 1 so much that you feel the need to torture us with your incessant crap about this sport (?!) you are so far past your sell by date, you are like that ex pro tennis player who now teaches tennis at my kids school, cringe.
the only positive (that in itself is scary) of sasha is he blends the brilliance of gareth and the torture that is grant & anele. i think that, if grant and anele came on air after gareth, there would be a sharp rise in unexplained car accidents, i for one, have considered the 10 meter sheer plunge off the freeway flyover as an alternative to the crud that spews forth from these two DJ's mouths.
DJ fresh, you cant fool me bro, its your support team that pulls you through, your laugh is cool for about 2 minutes, after that, an inkling of talent would be appreciated. KB, rob vember, you guys deserve special mention, if ever you went into con artist work full time, you'd clean up, you got jobs on national radio, that's like me walking into cape town medi clinic and performing open heart surgery.
goodhope, safm, cape talk etc, these stations do not justify the energy required to type a comment.
in closing, i can hear the starting chords for kings of leon "radioactive", second time today on 5fm, it would have been such a cool concert, pity......
now, you would think that, as a pretty much hip, happening youthful country, we would have some kind of semi decent national or even provincial radio station. please note "semi decent". i am not asking for the impossible, just a half dozen DJ's that have the following criteria:
1. the ability to read text, notes etc without it blatantly clear that they are reading off a page. you're on radio you doos, no one can see you, would it kill you to actually prepare for your show before the time?
2. the ability to actually mix it up when it comes to music selection, once again, I'm not asking for these guys/girls to actually mix one song into the next like a real DJ (god forbid) I'm just asking to please, PLEASE, throw in a couple of surprises, with 50 years worth of digital music a click of the mouse away, why do we have to hear the same 20 songs played to death! before i have a bunch of idiotic replies regarding playlists, show producer etc calling the shots, give me a break. they do ratings checks on radio stations and DJ's all the time, if i hear elana afrika play anything by led zepelin, pink floyd or pearl jam i might just start removing the knitting needles out of my elana afrika hair doll (ok, that's never gonna happen).
3. less talk, more talk talk. less jabber, more abba. great marketing by kfm some time back, only problem.....kfm sucks sweaty donkeys balls, and when their DJ's do talk (the morning show) i secretly pray that surgical scalpels magically appear from my speakers and slice my ears clean off.
5fm, you are the most current, national radio station, your DJ's are by far, the worst. i think Gareth Cliff and his team are quite brilliant, the problem begins at 9am, Sasha Martinengo, its bad enough you enjoy formula 1 so much that you feel the need to torture us with your incessant crap about this sport (?!) you are so far past your sell by date, you are like that ex pro tennis player who now teaches tennis at my kids school, cringe.
the only positive (that in itself is scary) of sasha is he blends the brilliance of gareth and the torture that is grant & anele. i think that, if grant and anele came on air after gareth, there would be a sharp rise in unexplained car accidents, i for one, have considered the 10 meter sheer plunge off the freeway flyover as an alternative to the crud that spews forth from these two DJ's mouths.
DJ fresh, you cant fool me bro, its your support team that pulls you through, your laugh is cool for about 2 minutes, after that, an inkling of talent would be appreciated. KB, rob vember, you guys deserve special mention, if ever you went into con artist work full time, you'd clean up, you got jobs on national radio, that's like me walking into cape town medi clinic and performing open heart surgery.
goodhope, safm, cape talk etc, these stations do not justify the energy required to type a comment.
in closing, i can hear the starting chords for kings of leon "radioactive", second time today on 5fm, it would have been such a cool concert, pity......
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
speedos
is it all right to wear speedos? of course it is! its also ok to live in austria, have a name like joseph fritzl and lock your daughter in a dungeon.
it is NEVER ok to wear a speedo.
sorry, one exception, partaking in olympic swimming events (even then it looks ridiculous).
i don't care if youre built like a greek god, if you're on the beach, wear boardshorts. with the amount of insanely hot ass walking around clifton beach, wearing the teeny tiniest of bikini's (i was there today, its off the hook) why would any sane guy voluntarily squash his sausage into an envelope sized piece of fabric? when your testosterone (or whatever chemical controls my brain (read:penis)) starts working overtime, where you gonna hide, at least with boardshorts, you can kind of sit down and casually adjust the "generous" fabric to minimise the chubby.
its not like society is even trying to make life hard for guys, girls, on the other hand, will wear bikinis, cosmo says so and you will look like the chick on the cover in 4 weeks if you stick to the new lettuce diet, lettuce salads, three times a day, hold the lettuce.....
it is NEVER ok to wear a speedo.
sorry, one exception, partaking in olympic swimming events (even then it looks ridiculous).
i don't care if youre built like a greek god, if you're on the beach, wear boardshorts. with the amount of insanely hot ass walking around clifton beach, wearing the teeny tiniest of bikini's (i was there today, its off the hook) why would any sane guy voluntarily squash his sausage into an envelope sized piece of fabric? when your testosterone (or whatever chemical controls my brain (read:penis)) starts working overtime, where you gonna hide, at least with boardshorts, you can kind of sit down and casually adjust the "generous" fabric to minimise the chubby.
its not like society is even trying to make life hard for guys, girls, on the other hand, will wear bikinis, cosmo says so and you will look like the chick on the cover in 4 weeks if you stick to the new lettuce diet, lettuce salads, three times a day, hold the lettuce.....
prepare to be offended
the CHOP: a south african slang term for opinionated, self righteous, and arrogant. example: wow Dean, you really are a chop. also used to describe tasty cuts of beef or lamb to be cooked over hot coals in a south african national pastime, the braai (blogs on braai, braai etiquette etc to follow)
please don't take this too seriously, it is my highly opinionated view of the world. if you are easily offended by my views of society, religion, sport, radio,tv, movies, parenthood, cats, dogs, midgets etc, stop reading this and find something more politically correct (blogs about politically correct and why it fucking sucks, to follow). i will be adding to my blog as often as possible (trust me, there is no shortage of material out there) if you have a topic worth discussing, please feel free to suggest it and i will gladly add my opinion (highly one sided and generally without much fact to back it up, but i believe I'm always right).
welcome to the CHOP, glad to have you along for the ride, its gonna be bumpy.........
please don't take this too seriously, it is my highly opinionated view of the world. if you are easily offended by my views of society, religion, sport, radio,tv, movies, parenthood, cats, dogs, midgets etc, stop reading this and find something more politically correct (blogs about politically correct and why it fucking sucks, to follow). i will be adding to my blog as often as possible (trust me, there is no shortage of material out there) if you have a topic worth discussing, please feel free to suggest it and i will gladly add my opinion (highly one sided and generally without much fact to back it up, but i believe I'm always right).
welcome to the CHOP, glad to have you along for the ride, its gonna be bumpy.........
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)