Most people will face the daunting prospect of their largest investment, buying a house or apartment, only a few times in their lives. This will almost always involve the services of a real estate agent. If the prospect of committing yourself to a 20 year financial burden is not scary enough, enter the bottom-feeding, manipulating, double-crossing, swindling but still ever-so-cheery realtor.
Known to travel(hunt) in pairs, this particular breed of scavenger is usually identifiable by blue-rinse or shock blonde peroxided hair, excessive gold jewellery and the kind of nauseating perfume your grandmother wouldn't even wear.
Whilst house-hunting for their dream (read:budget allowed) starter home, expect mentioned piranha to crush all your dreams and aspirations by using the following tried and tested "tools" of the trade:
1. Showing you property way beyond your original pre-approved and discussed price. "I love it darling" your wife will say as you stand there wondering how this silly cow in her shapeless dress confused your R2 million budget with the rolling lawn, panoramic viewed palace you are standing in. "You'll just have to bite off more than you can chew and chew faster!" or some other scripted piece of wisdom the wicked witch of the west will drop on your already strained shoulders. Grabbing your wife's hand and dashing off to the east wing, bedroom 14, "This can be juniors room" she-devil chuckles, parting her shock red lipsticked lips to reveal the finest crowns money can buy, patting your pregnant wife's belly for full effect.
2. Failure to reveal the actual costs. "Huh? But i thought you said it was R2.5 million?" Cue pity laughter...."Yes deary, but we have to add commission, lawyers fees, transfer costs, beetle certificate, electrical certificate, a special levy due because its Thursday, a donation to the area's girl guides and transfer costs." "Two transfer costs?!" you exclaim as you grab onto the table where half the amazon rain forest was cut down to provide the sea of paperwork which lies in front of you. "Tut, tut, silly me, only one transfer cost, you see, its not so bad...." more grinning.
3. Telling you what you want to hear, never what you don't. "If you need more space, just go up a level." "Need more garaging, just knock down that wall over there" with a dismissive wave of her sparkly hand like she is Harry fucking Potter with a wand, "Need a pool? Just dig a hole over there, look, there's even a spade" cackle, cackle... "What about that sign over there with that computer generated picture of the 15 storey apartment block, when is that happening?" you naively ask. "I know the developer" she says "He'll never get the plans approved"
4. Subject to sales. Want to sell your house and buy another? Double the fun! The less that you agree on, for your house, equates directly to how much higher the agent will push for on the new house you want to buy. An easy sale of your existing house and more commission for the agent on the new purchase. Cool hey? Double the fun? Doubly fucked is more like it.
So off you go, have fun on a Sunday afternoon, enjoy the experience and don't forget to initial every page.
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