So you've been married or living together for a couple of years (watch it guys, that means she's your common law wife and that bitch can take you for everything!) You're at that point in your relationship where you're probably ok taking a shit with the bathroom door open, no attempt is made to hide the tampon box (it just kind of hangs around like your mother-in-law, and the sex, well, its ALMOST routine.
One day your usually cool, chilled chick comes home with that look. What look? That look that a Jack Russell gets when you are holding a tennis ball. "Babe, you wont believe it, (best friend/ sister/ cousin/ teller at woolworths) is pregnant, she looks amazing, so glowy, with the cutest little bump, i actually knew something was up, women's intuition and all that, I really think its time we start trying.....blah, blah, blah. Now truth be told, men are incredibly simple creatures, so all we really heard were the last three words: blah, blah, blah, however.....what will get our attention.....is the trying part. "
You see guys, a women wants a baby and unfortunately for her (and therefore, fortunately for us) it means actually having to have sex, lots of it. So when we tell our friends that we are trying for a baby, it means we're shagging, loads, and us guys like to boast about that kind of crap.
She's out there telling all her friends that you guys have agreed its baby time. No, we have agreed to multiple sessions of sex, often coinciding with a phase of the moon, low pressure system over the arctic (all the books she's secretly reading and all the info her friends are giving her means you and your penis are on call 24-7). There is one very important issue which you poor bastards will be totally oblivious to while performing the Scandinavian helicopter for the second time on single day (yes guys, sex twice a day is very possible) and that she is using you, its those millions of little swimmers she's after, I know its impossible to fathom at this point, that's why I'm here to warn you.
So everything seems quite brilliant, wife's off the pill, sex in the shower, in the cupboard, on the kitchen table, you're feeling like you have more purpose than just for your credit card.....then, one day....."HONEY! guess what?!" Well, no prizes for guessing what as you walk through the front door after work and trip over the scattering of empty home pregnancy test kit boxes. "We're having a baby!" "Sweetheart, that's awesome!" as you kiss her and begin to unbutton her blouse..."Um, what are you doing ?"she asks puzzled.......uh oh.......
To be continued......
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