Joburgers

It's been a while since my last post, December holidays are like that in Cape Town, the days seem to flow into each other in a haze of beach, beer and braais. Despite many years of conditioning, this couple of weeks can make even the most hardened capetonian feel like they have dipped their finger into the proverbial acid pot and have entered a strange and weird place not unlike Alice tumbling into wonderland. Between mid December and the first week of January, leaving your house to hit the beach, waterfront or even a milk and bread run, you are guaranteed an encounter with that strange and intriguing creature: the Vaalie (or joburger or maximus blingus).

So we live in a city that's as close to perfect as any in the world, so I'm kind of ok with giving up the beaches, malls, pubs and clubs for two weeks to this annual migration (infestation?) The weather is notoriously fickle this time of the year anyway, so when the the last Ferrari, Lamborghini, custom Harley has been put back on the train for good 'ol gauteng, we can settle into the real months of cape town summer and chuckle at each other as we find a parking within 20 nautical miles of our destination.

Why are vaalies so easy to spot? Let's exclude the cherry red sports car with the GP number plate "V-FAST", that's too easy. I"m talking about a single stand alone unit, male or female. Identifying a group is also easy, any number of 4 or more walking side by side each other blocking the entire pavement, entrance to the Ed Hardy shop or on the good couch at Caprice doesn't count, for true vaalie spotting points, look for the details. Its summer after all, so we all generally wear less clothes, its how these outfits are put together that truly boggles the mind (and wallet).

Capetonians (male): boardshorts, tshirt, slip slops. Joburg (male): boardshorts (Ed hardy), vest (silver star), trainers (with socks), power balance band and various other multi-coloured bangles that would make some of the guys on clifton 3rd blush), add a cap, sunglasses, watch and jewellery to the ensemble and you've got the average joburg males' beach look.

I'm sure my psychiatrist will tell me that I target the guys fashion sense more than the girls because I didn't get breast fed until i was 3 or some crap like that, the truth is, the joburg chicks are generally fucking hot, travel in groups (packs, sets) are so well manicured that they use Gucci tampons (true story) and are generally easier to talk to than the average ice-cold model-actress-waitress-don't even look my way cape town girl that I'll put up with whatever they wear. (except those fucking sandals! Are they boots? are they sandals? they're open in the front (sandals) but have leather up to your calf (boots!) All you need is Russell Crowe and a fucking spear and you're good to go!)

Cape Town, breathtaking views of Table mountain, Lions head, Clifton's sparkling water, beautiful people everywhere, lots to look at when you're driving, right? Sure, I understand, why rush? You're on holiday, cruise down the road, take it all in. Now, this might come as a surprise to you from up north, but there is actually a reason why there are two or more lanes in the road, if you want to drive slowly, KEEP FUCKING LEFT!!!!! Isn't Joburg like a big city? Surely you have multi-laned roads there? Next time I'm in Joburg (ha ha ha ha ha ha ha) I'll cruise around looking at all your touristy stuff (gated roads, security estates) doing 30 in the fast lane.

Thanks for coming to visit, thanks for spending all your cash at our restaurants, thanks for fighting with each other in our bars and clubs, a special thank you to the ladies for all that gym time, thank you guys for making the biggest, meanest capetonian look like a smurf, thanks for making me love my scooter, thanks  for asking me at the top of lions head where you can buy a water, thanks for showing me that money cant buy style, until next year, see you my china.